I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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