i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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