Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
oh god was she eating orange peels again
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize