I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
