This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
