I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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