Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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