everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
