ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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