apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
