Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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