I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
