I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
