Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
