just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
