70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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