wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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