I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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