Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
