I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
