I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
