i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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