She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
