would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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