dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
