i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
