I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's never too late to be topless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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