Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
