you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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