I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
