my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
