If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
