I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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