I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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