I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
