and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
