a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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