Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
