GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
