ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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