Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
