k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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