My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
