I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
