I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
