Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Let's get the cat blown out
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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