I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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