Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
