Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
