Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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