let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
