Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
