Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
not ubering you a puppy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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