Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
