tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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