with your own penis?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
