There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
