The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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