Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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