4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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