It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
