This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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