When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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