I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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