season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
